Broken to Find Hope

Broken. I feel it often. My life took a couple of turns in the past few years that I never saw coming. Without them, though, I would not know the peace of God in my heart in spite of very true suffering. Nor the real hope worth holding to when the floor caves under my weight.

I'm not special. Not any better than the others claiming Christ right next to me. I only know that I am not the same, and that the change is Jesus Christ in me. Mysterious, it is. For me, the difference in the before/after is this: God strips away our wants and desires, and our expectations and plans, our pining for something better. It's not by will nor might nor trying harder. It's a wholly natural response to the growing love for God through a Saviour who died to give us that relationship.  Do we really want Jesus? He said to love him more than our own family? He said to turn a cheek and give the other when someone slaps our face! He said to be great we must become lowly servants. He said the most important things any of followers can do is LOVE. <It was the group from another church at the park last week who angrily yelled toward us because the were asked to move their party (the pavilion was reserved by payment).>

Unless we truly understand who Jesus is, we won't want to give it up. Unless we comprehend that He truly is the only way to a better life (His way, not ours), we won't surrender. I don't know how to express that any differently. Surely, I heard that many times in all the years of my religious living. I had to suffer -- to have those things I held most dear (my marriage and our family unit) in a crisis so big I couldn't fix it. It was a cry to God and then months of crying to Him that led me to finally understand He alone was my healer, not me, not others, doctors or anything. Nothing has ever been more real than that.

It is hard to follow Jesus when we don't really know Him. I think it's quite impossible if we don't love Him more than our most prized earthly relationships and possessions. And it's hard to want to when we have the ability to make things work the way we want (at least some of the time).

Broken. I feel my spirit getting weighed down by the troubles of my life and the word around me. But I don't lose hope. I have found a deep, real, truly personal relationship with Father God through Jesus my Savior and Lord. I know that an outstreched arm and a gutteral cry is my resting place. And I know who always meets me there.

If anyone reads this and is also struggling, please tell God you cannot hear Him. Tell Him all that you cannot do to better your situation. Ask Him to show you that He is real and if He loves you. This is one prayer I think God always answers. A sincere asking for Him to come -- and a sincere surrender to His help -- is a better life. Hope restores. Faith grows. Joy replaces sorrow. Peace washes out fear. Oh God, we need you. Help those who truly want you to find you. Please uncover our eyes and open our ears. You are life and our refuge.

Love God. Love Others. Follow Jesus.

Do Better, Do More! Or Not!

Over the years in the Christian-like life I lived, I heard all kinds of people and messaging encouraging me to do better (recommit) and to do more (sign up for the nursery). The church needs volunteers and God wants us to grow more into the image of His perfect Son. Neither is bad nor wrong, but I could not get it right.
I'd recommit genuinely wanting to be more faithful~reading my bible and praying more often~just like the diet I started last month to shed this baby weight. I started strong, got a little lazy and now I need to recommit again.

I'd sign up to help but quickly lose interest and justify how much it was taking from my life. A failed small group, a short stint teaching children's Sunday School--those were the results of my efforts to get it right and do what's right. I truly believe there are mountains of good things being done around the world in Christian-like communities. God even gets the glory for it~or some of it. It's not bad nor wrong. But why couldn't I sustain it for long?

I'm also a Type A personality. I literally wrote down and repeated often "persistence is the key to success" while in middle school?! I started my own business a few years ago, and it worked very well until I burned out and closed it down. I determined it would and then worked hard to make it happen. The point is...I have been blessed with God-given administrative gifts, parents who poured into me every opportunity and support, and a go-for-it attitude. This lines up to allow me to make things happen.

But it all changed one cold night in January 2010 when my world collapsed. So deep and wide was the brokeness, all the rules were thrown out. I most seriously asked God, "You say you stand at the door and knock! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!! Are you even real?!?!" And I knew in an instant He wasn't worth it---that is, not in the way I had always known Him.

Thank God, He didn't abandond me then. From those smoldering, stinky ashes, I have risen by the very grace of God. I am still a lousy sinner but I now know I can't do better or love God more. I will fail. I do fail Him. I do more, and I am more committed than ever, but I don't purpose to nor do I try. Those things happen naturally when God so loves you can no longer deny Him or keep Him in the corner for when you need Him. Those things naturally happen when you seek to know Jesus and take serious His words.

So I get a little frustrated when I hear messaging that encourages more this or that. It's a life wholly surrendered to Jesus Christ and Father God that changes people. For me, it took a major heart suffering to be willing to give up my hold on my life. I didn't really want God back then. I liked the Christian-like lifestyle (fellowship and friends), and the assurance of eternal life. But I did not believe Jesus' way of life was for me. I certainly didn't ever pray, "Your will not mind" and mean it.

It's tempting to think I make happen a vibrant, loving outreach called "Agape English." We have 40 or so students each Saturday evening and 9 volunteers to teach (and give up their Saturday evenings) each week. I do a lot to make the program run. I use my skills. I can so I do. But one huge difference this time is that I know it's not mine. God put it all before me. From my first students to the current program. And I know it exists because He wants it to. It will end when He directs it to. I just keep walking through open doors that became wide and obvious as I was praying Jesus' most important commands over me: love God and love others.

Oh, we need Jesus. When we know Him, we come to really love Him. And when we really love Him, things happen naturally. We see the bondage of our sin break away. We begin to see Jesus in the least around us. We begin to love like we never could before. We have hope in spite of the brokeness we experience and see. God give us people to love and we want to love them. It's a beautiful thing. At least to me. After all, this is only my story.

Love God. Love Others. Follow Jesus.

Get a Job...Get a Life (true stories)

Credit: Shutterstock

I have lived in my town for a few years now and until recently, I don't remember seeing anyone begging at the stop lights around our W*lmart. But then again, I'm wondering if my eyes just looked past them.

I hold tight to three things Jesus said after reading His red-lettered words several times through. First, He said the most important thing for us to do is simply to love God and to love our neighbors as we love ourselves; all the law and prophets are based on that, He said. Secondly, I've been captured by Jesus' words about the Final Judgement in Matthew 25. And the third is Jesus' teaching about who is truly blessed. Given how I've survived these past two years since finding the real Jesus of the Bible, I truly would rather have Jesus' idea of blessing than anything this world offers. The world can fail us miserably. No doubt my new homeless friends would agree, but so would my friends who have been struck by the cruelty of cancer and early death, and those who lost family and friends in a few seconds in a major earthquake in Haiti. Perhaps it's only us wealthy ones who think the treasure of this world are better than losing it all to find our only hope in Christ.

Yesterday afternoon I pulled into that parking lot to see my friend Brian E. standing at a far-off corner light. I bought a few extra groceries and went to find him. Instead I saw a woman hunched over on a curb, smoking a cigarette and appearing to cry. I'd never seen her before. I parked my car and walked over with a bag containing a few healthy items. Her name is Shauna, and she was crying.

Shauna lost a friend to illness this past week, and she said she's been sexually assaulted three times very recently. She showed me her blackened eye behind dark sunglasses. I asked if I could help her, but not surprising at all, she said she staying up on the hill behind W*lmart (Brian's camp). She told me that people are really cruel to the homeless. Yesterday alone, someone yelled, "Get a job!" and another parked at the red light, rolled down his window and offered to give her a ride and something special for a favor. She said people have no idea why others end up on the street where women are assaulted and people steal your very few belongings. According to Shauna, her husband moved another woman in while kicking her out 14 years ago.

Sometimes in the conversation, I heard distinctly different accents as though she might have a personality disorder. I don't know. Some of her story might have been contrived to appeal to emotion to motivate giving. But I offer only friendship (and a bag of beef jerkey with some crackers), and I think there is at least a measure of authenticity between us.

Brian was attacked by a dog last week. A couple of weeks before, another homeless guy passing through took his money and then turned his dog onto Brian when he chased after them. He admits that he could try harder to please God (something I've told him doesn't work).

They've both told me that they think those claiming Christ (by putting Christian symbols on their cars) have spewed hateful words and refused to even look at them or smile. I've said that going to church or putting a sticker on a car doesn't make one a true follower of Jesus. I've also said that maybe the oblivious passersby have their minds on other things and just don't see the need around them; that was me not long ago. Finally, I tell them both of their position in God's economy--the least now will be the greatest.

I don't have a plan at all. I remind myself often to stay focused on the most important--to love God with all my heart, soul and mind, and to love my neighbor as myself. I hope this doesn't sound like boasting. I'm just recording my journey here and if anyone reads, you probably think I'm full of me. Truly, I'm not who I used to be and these writing are just a snapshot of who I'm becoming.

Love God. Love Others. Follow Jesus. Life really is better that way.

Preach It! Uh...I did but didn't mean to

We had a couple of new friends at our Haitian bible study yesterday. The week before nobody came. We always show up because we purpose to be a place of truth and refuge to anyone who wants the same. I don't care at all about numbers, anyway. We're not trying to do anything at all but study the truth -- to know Jesus and become more like Him -- and we'll do that with whoever wants to join us.

Our good friend R. is a wonderful translator. I don't think he has any training for that, but he is very good at it. And we do need help given our Kreyol is weak and some of our friends would say the same about their English.

As my writings of late have reflected, I am passionate about taking Jesus seriously. The passion in me comes from this: I am truly convinced that people would whole-heartedly follow Jesus if we could just understand who He is. And that we can experience a more full life -- even experience a bit of heaven while we're still here on this wretched earth -- if we truly follow Jesus. I am confident people will want that if they can believe that Jesus is *that* good. And I imagine a world where those claiming Christ are becoming more like Him so much so that the world knows us by our love.  On a side note: my two homeless friends have both told me stories of people whose cars bear Christian symbols as bumper stickers, and who have shamed them with words or passed by continually without a look or even a smile.

Religious traditions and Christian-like culture blinded me, and I believe it blinds others. When the Apostle Paul said anyone who comes to know Jesus is a new person, I understand that to be the last two years of my life as I've finally sought Jesus. So I asked our little group yesterday to consider what it means to be made new. I shared what I thought about trying harder, looking better, going in and out of church buildings...while real change doesn't happen.

So what can we possibly do to change? Or maybe the better question is 'do we want to?' I told my friends yesterday that I recommitted my life a thousand times, but real change never came. That is, not until I suffered so as to sincerely seek God and then to take serious the red-letter words of Jesus in my bible. I boldly shared what I believe to be the "cure" for all of the "coulds," "shoulds," "ought to's" and "ought not to's," the "try harders," "do betters," and the "get it togethers." In the sermon yesterday, our pastor shared that the use of pornography is no different between Christians and others. That is not surprising, and it's not the issue (porn) that confirms my thinking. Why is it that those claiming Christ -- or those attending church services -- are no different than the world? Why can't the churched do better?

I told friends that real change happens when we focus on Jesus. We don't have the power to do better. We can't be more pleasing to God. We will never be able to stop sinning, in some way or other. The power to change, to be transformed, renewed, to be made new...is complete in Jesus Christ. Apart from Christ, it's partial, temporary and insufficient.  And I challenged that if we read the red letters of Jesus and take serious what He says, we will become more like Him. So then we begin to love Him, to see what living for Him does for us, to see what we didn't see before, to love like we never loved before, to surrender what we never thought we would...at least that's been my experience.

So, I never wanted to be bible study leader. I'm not a preacher, but I am sure one can tell I did just that.

Love God. Love Others. Follow Jesus.

For Real: It is Truth That Sets Us Free, Right?

I stumbled across a blogger/author/seminary professor and like what I found. I've only read one post, but this makes me believe I'll be reading lots more: "We strip away the “husk” of Jesus’ clear words to find the spiritual “kernel” that we apply to our hearts and motives," and this, "We stare at the clear words of Jesus that challenge our well-established social patterns and community dynamics, and we flinch. We relegate Jesus’ commands to motive-purification, ignoring that he’s calling for purposeful transformation of actual social practices."

In looking at my own life, I see a clear difference between the years I lived like that (above) and these past couple of years that I've taken Jesus at His word.

The writer, Tim Gombis, says, "This is a reading strategy whereby we keep Jesus safely tucked away in our hearts, self-satisfied with our piety. But we intentionally avoid doing what he says with our bodies, social practices, and community dynamics. It’s too threatening. If we actually did the things Jesus says to do, we’d have to change, and we just don’t want to."

I really don't think I could have changed. I might have read that blog post a few years ago and agreed I should change, but I would not have. I didn't change until my first major crisis a little more than two years ago when I found the real Jesus. The faith I had lived in community with others (i.e. good religious life, good church attendance, good acts of service, good fellowship with the like-minded and the like-looking others) was good. I was certainly content in knowing that I was heaven bound and earth happy. If you had told me to take serious the words of Jesus, I know I would have justified them. I would have said and believed--and I would have been seconded and supported when saying, "I think Jesus is referring to our hearts—that we should have willing hearts in case we’re ever called to serve." No more. Once I cried His name and sought Him for real help, then found my help, I began to change.

I was very busy then, too. Life didn't slow down when I came to a new relationship with Jesus. But it did change. The more I read the red-letter words of Christ in my bible, the more I was convinced I wanted to live for Him. I had been rescued from a dark pit of despair, and I finally believed Jesus was worth giving all of me to His will. Suffering. Awful suffering. I despise it, but I'd be dead in my faith without it.  I sometimes get praised for the work God has done through me. But I know that I would not even be involved, nor would I devote so many hours each week to teaching others English, if God hadn't given me the students and then other volunteers. Yes, I answered the call. Yes, I do the work. But I never would have if I hadn't suffered so to find Christ. I am thoroughly convinced that if people could just see the real Jesus--to experience the love I felt when I cried for His help--they would want to follow Him. And when you really love Him, change happens naturally. It no longer has anything to do with appearances, attendance or trying harder to do better. Real change happens because in some great mystery, God uses broken people to love others for His glory.

Brian E
On an unrelated note, I think Brian E might be struggling with having a friend like me. That is, a friend from the "other" side who genuinely seeks to be his friend. But he is my friend, and I tend to see him when I have a moment to stop and say hello. I think God is pointing me to show him love while I can.

Finally, my youngest child (aged 9) now asks if we can visit Brian whenever we pass by our Stuff*Mart.

Love God. Love Others. Follow Jesus.

What is Christianity?

In my readings, I've noticed that people like to define Christianity. I won't pretend to try to make sense of the arguments between those claiming Christ -- evangelicals, emergents, orthodox...

I've also noticed that most arguments claim to define true Christianity, such as:

But a growing number are inventing their own versions of what Christianity means, abandoning the nuances of traditional theology in favor of religions that stroke their egos and indulge or even celebrate their worst impulses. These faiths speak from many pulpits—conservative and liberal, political and pop-cultural, traditionally religious and fashionable “spiritual”—and many of their preachers call themselves Christian or claim a Christian warrant. But they are increasingly offering distortions of traditional Christianity, not the real thing.

I don't comment on posts like that one. But I can't help but wonder why this author (who I don't know a thing about and mean no disrespect to) bases what he writes about on "distortions of traditional Christianity, not the real thing."

What is traditional Christianity, the real thing? Am I "inventing my own version of what Christianity means, abandoning the nuances of traditional theology in favor of religions that stroke my ego and indulge or even celebrate my worst impulses?"

Certainly, I've turned to my own version of Christianity. And I did so when everything I ever learned in my Christian life did nothing for me when my world collapsed. I walked away from religion when I found God real after scream crying for Him to show Himself to me. I was broken to the very core of my soul. I might have committed suicide if not for my precious loved ones and children. I'm not being trite. I was thrown to my rock bottom by betrayal and rejection that still causes me to cry and reach a hand to my only true help.

I honestly don't care about traditional Christianity or modern Christianity as defined by the brightest minds this world has seen. I only know that I found the real Jesus of the Bible and I could not resist His love, His help, His movemement in my soul. I have read His red-lettered words in my bible multiple times since my "real" conversion (not the decades of crying Jesus but not trusting Him), and I seek to follow Him.

I fail constantly, no doubt. I have never been more aware of my wretched sinful heart than now. But I don't try harder. I don't seek answers for the messes of this world, but I do hold onto hope. I don't hold God's word in my heart so that I can justify what I want to do. I don't worry about death, but I do look forward to eternity in my real home when my time comes. I'm not meaning to boast. I'm only trying to demonstrate my "own version of Christianity." I take serious the words of my Savior and His words come first. He said the most important of all He ever taught is to love my neighbor and to love God. I started there and, well, God has changed my life.

My marriage is restoring. My heart is healing from the death of my miracle baby, Eden Leigh. My weekends are filled with loving unlikely neighbors--in ways I never would have dreamed I could or would, and certainly not in ways I thought I'd be willing to. Who am I but a wretched sinner? And yet, God gave me friends to love on by teaching them English (I'm not a teacher) and then He grew that to bring more friends (teachers, students, and childcare workers). Then He brought partnerships with local agencies. And who am I? Nobody. I could tell story after story. My life is no longer mine, and it's the best thing that ever happened to me.

So I will continue to live my Christian life by my "own version." It's the only time in my life I've ever truly sought Christ. And it's the only time I've ever found peace in spite of true sorrows. And, finally, it's the only time I've known with certainty where my true home really is.

Shalom!

What Good Friday Means to Me

If Good Friday had not happened...
If Jesus was still the one of my making...

• I'd be divorced
• I'd be a single mom to three trauma-recovering kids
• I'd be bitter and angry
• I'd be lost and searching
• I'd be a mess

When Jesus was the one of my making...

• I lived for me and whatever soothed my soul
• I called Him "Savior" but didn't make Him "Lord"
• I didn't know that He was real and personal
• I didn't understand that I could call on Him
• I didn't understand what He did for me on Good Friday

On this Good Friday, I think about the love of Christ that became real to me in a time of deep, dark suffering. I think of the suffering He endured so that I could find peace in spite of my trials. I thank Him for teaching me to love. I pray for my heart to seek first His Kingdom, and to love as He loved.

Love God. Love Others. Follow Jesus.